She was the first woman who I was ready to see as my wife; more exactly, it’s not just that I wanted to see her as my wife, but had already imagined it. I saw that she is the person with whom I can live out my whole life and more – into eternity. She is a reliable and faithful friend. I thought that she is the person who was created for me. I did not even know that such people could exist – that’s why it had been easy for me up to that point to accept the role of a bachelor.
A month after meeting her I proposed and had no doubts about whether or not I was doing the right thing. After another month we appointed the date for a marriage. Everything went smoothly and it looked like nothing could get in our way. We made the application for marriage with the government, bought tickets for the honeymoon and worked out all other necessary details for the marriage. Being believers, we kept chastity. I hardly believed what was happening to me…
Two weeks before the wedding she said that she would not marry me and asked me not to bother her.
Being depressed, I took drastic and silly steps to return her. But the spiritual farther of my fiancée (the priest to whom she went to for confession) let me know that everything really was over and that I need to accept it. After this I did not try to see her or hear from her.
For half of the next month I was on sick leave. (My immunity system was weak and pains that I had never had before appeared). For another half of month I would sit in my office near the computer, but the monitor often went dark before my eyes.
I had already had the experience of coming to understand that you cannot change anything. I knew what to do – I prayed and humbled myself. The pray was intense and concentrated.
I tried to understand her and to forgive her.
Even now I do not know exactly why she behaved as she did. But she had a reason to be upset with me. Two days before parting I demonstrated all my bad habits - my hard-heartedness and my stubbornness. But do habits (that I could get rid of) really come at such a high price? Two days and then – life without her. Two days – and eternity. Two days – and absence of children who could have been born. Two days – and growing old alone. It is very difficult to believe that I will get the same gift twice in my life.
So, I could not influence her, but I could influence myself. My vices became clear to me. I understood their cost. I wanted so much to be better.
Most of all I suffered from the understanding that I had lived all the years of my life egoistically, solely for my own pleasure, and that had done so little giving to others and making others happy. I understood that I need to do something good. I needed to find people who feel bad and to help them. Only by doing so could I improve. It is easy to give (a reasonable amount of) money. It is very difficult to comfort others, to sympathize with them and to encourage them.
I found a way to get involved in just such activity. The day of my first visit to the hospital as a member of the group from my church coincided with the day of our failed marriage. I was on sick leave and was still very stressed out. I felt ashamed – did I really have something in my soul that I can give to these suffering people?
But I was soon convinced that a person is happy when he gives, not when he receives. When your intentions are good, you will have strength from God. I quickly came around. In a few weeks the pain became less and I learned to laugh again.
We religious people can pass though difficulties easier. This is because we know that there is nothing accidental in life. This is because we can talk to God any time and He will make our pain lighter. This is because we always remember about eternity. We know that departure from those we love is not forever. We know that someday we will meet at the Judgment Day, and then we could be together in Heaven. When I was in pain because of the impossibility to stay together with her in this world, I tried to do everything I could so that, on that day of Judgment, when everyone will see each other and when each thought during life will be clear, we wouldn’t be ashamed before each other. I did not want there to be any offensive actions and words connected with that wonderful thing that we wanted to construct.
Only half a year has passed. I’m sad rarely, and “my sorrow is light.” On the day when the breakup happened, I received a text message from my close friend, and I keep this message in my cell phone – “Human feelings can deceive; only God truly loves us and leads us to salvation! We will never be lonely, unhappy and unloved with Him! And we can remain close to those with whom we cannot be near now, as we pray for their salvation – this is the best thing we can do for those we love!” My friend who sent this message to me went through “four failures” (as she calls them) and now is happy in her marriage. Each day I become more convinced that she is right.
I’ve changed a lot since the moment when I met my fiancée. Before I lived life in a fog, saw life through a steamed-up window. Now life’s colors have become bright. Talents that were dying in me became alive again. I understood a lot about human relations and grew up. And that “good work” which I started in the hospital does much for me. I have a fullness of soul that I never had before. In short, the gift I gained with the appearance of this person in my life is invaluable. Thank God for everything!
Nearly three months ago in that hospital I met a girl of 21; her name is Luba. A year ago her fiancé (with whom she lived) left her for another woman. She tried to overdose on medicine and barely escaped alive. She is still sick – she can’t even make it to the bakery. She falls down. And her spiritual life is in a sad state.
It was mainly after conversation with Luba that I had an idea to create this site. Friends and volunteers took up the call. Physiologists and priests, the busiest people at the world, responded as well. While talking to them, I found out lots of things. And now you are reading this book. Everyone who helped to make this book has one goal – that you would love and be happy. May God help you in this endeavor!
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